No words...

It's pouring rain today but I'm still out when I would rather be home, if home were a cozy, safe place. Dillon has a sore throat, but I stuffed him into a jacket and took him to school anyway, the poor little thing, because I know that being at home all day with Derek would be much worse.

He's not talking to me today. Yesterday we were all just about out the front door to go eat when Derek started yelling at me for not cleaning the tub sufficiently (which to him means that I'm a "pig" and "a disgusting person" and a "piece of trash") and he stood over us as I helped Dillon with his shoes, yelling at Dillon for not saying "Hi" when he came out of his room. He wouldn't stop; he was gearing up for a nice big attack and at that moment I just couldn't face it.

"You know what," I said, "Why don't you just go out by yourself today, I just can't take your yelling and screaming, I just can't take it."

Of course he was enraged and as I got the kids undressed, he threatened to send me home on a plane early, or to leave us here with no money, and many other things. Sometimes he gets over it and sometimes not. This morning I have learned that today will be no better. It's so awful, to be constantly battered like this, and being together on vacation like this only makes things worse. I'm getting emotionally exhausted and spiritually drained. It's very challenging to keep mentally undoing all of the negative energy and damage that he inflicts. It's a lot of work, reversing the degrading words that he flings at my sense of self-worth.

Today I feel like crying. Maybe it's the weather. Oh, wait, I know, maybe it's the bastard who's making our lives miserable. Yes, that's it. Hmph. Well, I don't really want these blogs to be a whine-fest, but today at least, I'm feeling a bit down. And just a little bit scared. I know I have to stay strong, however, to overcome this. And I can. Big breath out. My chest feels very heavy, like a huge stone is sitting on top of me and I can't breath. I don't want to go home. Gosh, I just dread it. But here goes...

...Until next time, dear friend...