Dear friends you're so right...

You pals of mine "out there" are right on the money when you say that Derek will resort to any tactic to get to me, or get me back, I guess is what it is, even though to me the idea of going back to a life with him is more horrifying than having a bikini wax, a mammogram and a pap smear all at the same time (is that too much information?) Ugh..........but it's true, as INSANE as this sounds -- because it is -- I have to tell you that while this lovely man was filing claims against me alleging child abduction and abuse and many other baseless lies that he can never substantiate, he actually had the big brass ones to send me roses -- twice -- the first one with a card that simply had a date on it: 7-10-05. For five days I racked my brain as to what that date could mean, and then I remembered, of course, we met in a foreign place, we had a holiday, and that was the day of our first kiss. Awwwww.....I'll bet you're just tearing up right now. The second dozen came a week later and had a card that said, "I will always love you." That was last week. This week, I've received two emails. In the first one, he tried a scare tactic: "Listen, Stacey, you can't just ignore me...we can still work this out but now it will be with some conditions...this can get very expensive and I will spend my last dime but I don't know if that's an option for you...in spite of what you think I still love you and always will...blah blah..." You can be assured that I did not respond. In the second email, he didn't write anything, but instead creatively cut and pasted a several years old email that I had written to him about how much I loved him and what a great couple we were, as if to remind me of my own words. Thanks so much. Yes, I said those things -- YEARS AGO -- and guess what? None of it happened! You didn't turn out to be a great team member, you didn't turn out to be my best friend whom I can turn to in good and bad times, you didn't even turn out to be an okay friend who I can just sit in the living room with and watch tv. You turned out to be a controlling, mean, nasty, abusive jerk. So null and void that note, Derek. That's what I could say, want to say, but don't worry, to that, too, I did not respond. Nor will I. It just does my brain in sometimes however that he could be so crazy, I guess is the operative word, to follow through with very serious legal allegations that demand full custody of the children and their immediate return to him, and yet while that's going on, unspoken, he sends flowers and tells me how much he loves me. Is there even a drug out there to combat something like that? He's nuts. Simply put. I hope I never see him again, although that is at this point a just a hope. I saw a picture of him flash across my computer screen yesterday and it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I instantly felt a flush of panic to see him looking right at me, even through a photo, as if he can somehow see me and will come to life at any second. Just from one picture, everything in me said, "Panic, he's here!" I can't look at anything he owns or has touched a lot in this house, it sends shivers down my spine. And now he's playing this...GAME. It's creepy, and horrifying, and at the same time just plain stupid and annoying. If that makes any sense. I think all of these abusers are just alike, working from the same script. They all play these games and resort to desperate tactics, and yet none of them come with warning labels: "Please be advised that prolonged exposure to this person can cause damage to your heart, upset brain function, drain your wallet, and crush your self-esteem. Do not attempt to operate machinery, set personal goals or offer your opinion when operating around this individual. Do not leave unattended. Do not use near open flame, as this individual may self-combust. This individual is "as is," and is not transferable or returnable. Do not attempt to leave this individual, or severe financial, physical and mental damage may occur, maybe even death. Enjoy your new relationship." No, they just don't make them with warning labels. If only. But they do come with warning signs for those who care to take them seriously. I sure do now. Until next time, dear friends....

A new kick in the stomach...

Wow, how I could ever, still feel even the tiniest bit of sadness for him has really got me mad at myself. When you're up against an abuser, you can't let your guard down for one, single second or they will see that hole in your shield and send the arrows flying. Here I sit, trying like an idiot to file for divorce and serve him with the order of protection, with no success because he avoids the service, so in the meantime he's been at work in another country doing virtually the same thing! This afternoon I was greeted at my door by a process server who handed me papers in which Derek is claiming that I am the abuser, that I left without his knowledge, which isn't true because he gave me back the passports to leave, and he's claiming that he's the fit parent and that I should be immediately ordered to return the children to him and that he should have sole custody! Horror of horrors, NEVER! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, under any court, anywhere would I leave my children alone with that man for lunch, much less to live without me in the picture, no way! Then he had the nerve to send me an email tonight asking to please let him say goodnight to the kids before they go to bed! I wanted to jump right through the computer and scream at him for what he's trying to do, but I didn't respond at all; no good can come of that. Oh, this is upsetting, but I'm trying to see it logically: surely his public record of domestic violence as filed right here in our county will serve to corroborate my claims, plus since my order of protection was filed, my son was interviewed by a children's advocacy service and he actually conveyed some of the abuse by his father to the authorities himself, which surely should count for something. He's more vile than I ever thought, truly. Tomorrow my whole agenda is off the plate. I'm going straight to my attorney's office to address this fully. There are dozens of witnesses and character witnesses who could attest to what a controlling and abusive man Derek is, but of course these are people who are all afraid to come forward; afraid to get involved because many of them live close to him. In any case, just before my doorbell rang I was feeding the kids and heating up some spaghetti for myself. As soon as I read what the summons was about, my appetite took a holiday and my stomach was quivering as if someone had kicked me with a steel boot. I wanted to grab my babies and hold them to me as tightly as I could; I wanted to squeeze them so hard that they would just melt back into me and be safe. And yet they had no idea, as they sat there, eating their chicken nuggets and apples. For a moment I just stood in the kitchen with the papers dangling from my hand, not sure what to do: what was I doing, again? Getting milk? No, laundry. No, was I eating? Oh, I don't know. But soon, if I don't get it together pretty fast, my kids will start to worry. "What is it, mommy?" Dillon will ask. And then, "What, mommy?" Ella will echo in the wake of her big brother. I couldn't have that. So even though I wanted to panic, to cry and scream, to rock in a corner holding my knees, I didn't do any of that. Instead, I went to the living room with my kids, and tickled them. And hugged them. And spun them around. And just tried to keep myself together even though my mind was in a completely different place. So now I'm telling you because I want to tell someone but I also don't want to get on the phone and panic everyone tonight. I just want to say here, the one time. And then I'll go sit down on the couch, and feel a bit numb until it's time to go to bed. And if I can sleep, that will be mercy. And when tomorrow comes, I'll go to the fight, all claws fully out. Wednesday is the next court hearing about the Order of Protection. Since Derek hasn't been served, I don't think he'll be there, but given his latest scheme of lies, maybe he will be. Who knows. All I know is that tomorrow I have a new mission. Protecting my kids. Again. And just when I was about to relax a little. Shame on me. Until next time, I'll keep you posted, dear friend...

Settling in...

Well my babies and I have been "free" for over a month, and I guess we should be settled by now. And in many respects we are: we have a home, food, clothes, a school, and we've done the round of meeting up with old friends and loved ones and sharing the good, if not tumultuous, news. Even so, I'm still looking for work and also trying to get my husband served with papers, both for the order of protection and for the divorce, but he's deliberately avoiding this process. He doesn't show up to court, which doesn't surprise me, but I know him: he checks public records regularly, and I'm sure he knows full well what the court dates are and exactly what I've done with regards to filing for divorce. If I can't get him served, it makes divorcing much more difficult, so that's a bit of a bur in my side at the moment. He's stayed scarce, though. He hasn't rushed over and camped outside of the house, or left creepy letters in my mailbox or anything, but he did send me roses twice. The first time the card simply had a mysterious date on it, which after much thought I realized was the date of our first kiss. The second time, the card said, "I will always love you." I can see what's happening here, and anyone about to leave an abuser should be prepared -- he's trying the lovey-dovey route to get me to re-think my actions and start up a dialogue. I haven't responded at all, nor will I. But here's the rub -- I know how this works, because I know how HE works -- if I don't respond to this soft sell, then his sentimentality will turn to anger and he will distort his sadness into rage and convince himself that I'm the monster and he's the victim. He'll turn me into a bitch who deserves only badness, and that's when the months of venom stretch into years of bitterness, and he will vow to himself to get me one way or the other. I know, because he's gone through this with his ex-girlfriend, and has said to me over the years all of the things he thinks she deserves for taking his daughter away from him. I used to say, "But you wouldn't really want any harm to come to her, would you, because she's your daughter's mother." That never seemed to phase him. This weekend I watched several shows on MSNBC about murders committed by spouses or children who were abused -- some "only" verbally and mentally -- until one day they snapped and killed the abuser. Now they sit in prison, guilty of a sin that is so tragic, and that somehow gave the abuser the final point, since the victim has lost their lives as well. As I watched each one, I'm serious when I say that I really and truly believe that I've saved my children from a devistating path, where something like that could one day have happened, and even if it never did, the sadness and anger that these people felt because of the years of abuse they endured had overtaken their lives like a cancer until there was nothing left for them but anger, resentment and frustration. I feel certain that my son, at the very least, would have either gotten so down on himself that he could have one day been suicidal, or he would have become so filled with repressed anger that he would have one day retaliated against his father, and that's when violence really gets out of hand. I know these are all hyptheticals, but as I watched these shows, I could just see my life and my kids lives ten years down the road, and I was SO grateful that we're out of that man's grip, I just can't express it. I guess the message here is to anyone who has children in this situation and is hesitating to leave. Even without knowing your specific situation, I can say that no one can benefit or even really exist with a controlling, abusive person lording over them. It will take its toll on your children, and on you. There's no easy way to leave, but there's no easy way to stay, either. You only get one life, and that's not a life, is it. Even with my unknown income and job status, my children and I are so happy to spend time together at home, because for the first time, we can relax. At mealtimes, my son used to literally look over his shoulder several times while eating, and ask me, "Is daddy here?" And I did the same thing -- I used to constantly get up and look out the window toward the gate to see if he was coming because I was always so on edge. How crazy is that! Of course I don't miss it. When my husband tries this sad, pathetic tactic of missing me, etc., yes, somehow it makes me sad, too, but not because I miss him. Just because I don't like being attached to any action that makes someone else so devistated, even him. And I know that as necessary as it was, our leaving did devistate him. Let's face it, if he had known how horrible he really was, he surely wouldn't have done it?? But in the end it doesn't matter. You have to leave, it's the only way to breath. And we're breathing fresh air for the first time. Until next time, dear friend...

My own Independence Day

This weekend our country celebrates its independence, but as the fireworks crackle and ribbons of red, white and blue splash across the tv screen, I'm giving thanks to my own new-found independence. I left Derek on June 8. Now June is over, and am I completely on my feet? No, not really. It looks like it on the surface: we're in our own condo with our own things, I have a car, and the kids are in a good school. But I still don't have a job, and the weekdays are spent between my attorney's office filing divorce papers and the court, sending yet another set of protection order papers through the mail in the vain hope of getting Derek served with what is now the second court date. It's not done; there are a lot of details still waiting to be resolved. Derek may not just fade into the past like I would wish him to; he might just show up in court and fight me. I don't like it, but the truth is on my side and I'll be ready. Since we left Derek, I've been both in crisis mode and in holiday mode, coping with some serious stress and yet rejoicing at the same time. It's a strange feeling, but you learn to live with it. I've been eating way too much of all the things I could never eat with Derek, and I've been visiting with old friends, all of whom were off limits to me in the old life. Now that July is here though I really have to face the future head on, and start getting onto my own two feet. As I embark on a new life, I'm bathed in the comfort of how happy it is just to be home with my children. I know I've said it before, but weekends used to be the long, dreaded stretch of time that I had to somehow fill with the kids outside of the house, because Derek was home resting and absolute silence was required at all times. Weekends used to be a nightmare, and now they're so relaxing. Now, Saturdays are what they should be, what they used to be for me as a kid. My son watches his favorite cartoons on the couch, whereas before he was confined strictly to his room with the door closed, he and Ella play and wrestle and laugh and chase each other. We all did a Billy Blanks workout video in the living room, again, something that we NEVER could have done before. The kids drew pictures and colored, also a new thing for us. And breakfast, or any other meal, is so nice. They help me set the table and unload the dishwasher, and we all sit together and actually TALK with each other, imagine that! Before the kids weren't allowed to speak at the table, and meals were a time when Derek just screamed at us for a hundred small infractions. Now, yes, we are FREE from that oppressive, chest-tightening life. Dillon is so much more relaxed too -- he no longer has the aggression that was beginning to fester within him. Yesterday I took Dillon to his first live show, Curious George. We had such a great time, and I guess it's just another example of how in some ways -- the most important ways -- how quickly life can stabilize if you never forget who you are inside. Then when you finally do leave -- and it's very hard to leave -- but when you finally do, you know who you are and what you want your life to be like. And it comes almost immediately. There are so many moments when I'll be doing something and I can still hear the echoes of Derek's voice screaming at me for it, but that voice will fade. Even if I have to face him in court, the horrible memory of living beneath him will fade. So happy Independence Day to me, Dillon and Ella. Until next time, dear friend...