My own Independence Day

This weekend our country celebrates its independence, but as the fireworks crackle and ribbons of red, white and blue splash across the tv screen, I'm giving thanks to my own new-found independence. I left Derek on June 8. Now June is over, and am I completely on my feet? No, not really. It looks like it on the surface: we're in our own condo with our own things, I have a car, and the kids are in a good school. But I still don't have a job, and the weekdays are spent between my attorney's office filing divorce papers and the court, sending yet another set of protection order papers through the mail in the vain hope of getting Derek served with what is now the second court date. It's not done; there are a lot of details still waiting to be resolved. Derek may not just fade into the past like I would wish him to; he might just show up in court and fight me. I don't like it, but the truth is on my side and I'll be ready. Since we left Derek, I've been both in crisis mode and in holiday mode, coping with some serious stress and yet rejoicing at the same time. It's a strange feeling, but you learn to live with it. I've been eating way too much of all the things I could never eat with Derek, and I've been visiting with old friends, all of whom were off limits to me in the old life. Now that July is here though I really have to face the future head on, and start getting onto my own two feet. As I embark on a new life, I'm bathed in the comfort of how happy it is just to be home with my children. I know I've said it before, but weekends used to be the long, dreaded stretch of time that I had to somehow fill with the kids outside of the house, because Derek was home resting and absolute silence was required at all times. Weekends used to be a nightmare, and now they're so relaxing. Now, Saturdays are what they should be, what they used to be for me as a kid. My son watches his favorite cartoons on the couch, whereas before he was confined strictly to his room with the door closed, he and Ella play and wrestle and laugh and chase each other. We all did a Billy Blanks workout video in the living room, again, something that we NEVER could have done before. The kids drew pictures and colored, also a new thing for us. And breakfast, or any other meal, is so nice. They help me set the table and unload the dishwasher, and we all sit together and actually TALK with each other, imagine that! Before the kids weren't allowed to speak at the table, and meals were a time when Derek just screamed at us for a hundred small infractions. Now, yes, we are FREE from that oppressive, chest-tightening life. Dillon is so much more relaxed too -- he no longer has the aggression that was beginning to fester within him. Yesterday I took Dillon to his first live show, Curious George. We had such a great time, and I guess it's just another example of how in some ways -- the most important ways -- how quickly life can stabilize if you never forget who you are inside. Then when you finally do leave -- and it's very hard to leave -- but when you finally do, you know who you are and what you want your life to be like. And it comes almost immediately. There are so many moments when I'll be doing something and I can still hear the echoes of Derek's voice screaming at me for it, but that voice will fade. Even if I have to face him in court, the horrible memory of living beneath him will fade. So happy Independence Day to me, Dillon and Ella. Until next time, dear friend...