Old fears, new fears

Well for that brief moment this week that I felt guilty over hurting Derek, he just eased my pain a bit. After all of his initial crying, sobbing, begging, pleading and beseeching me to come back to him, now that the protection order is in effect and he knows that I'm not going to be dissuaded, his true colors are coming back out. He sent me an email saying that everything I said are lies, that I won't be able to remain in our home, that it won't be as easy as I think, and that he will fight me this time (it's the second time I've left him, but the last time was years ago and I still loved him then). So my court date regarding the protection order is soon, and I have to wait on pins and needles to see if he turns up in court. I really hope he doesn't, but if he does, I'm ready to face him and whatever fire I have to run through to emerge from this victorious. When I was with Derek, I feared leaving, and I did it. Now I fear his retaliation, but I'll face it. He's a bully, and most bullies are really cowards when you put them to the test. My old fears have been replaced by new ones, some real and others imagined. I fear that I won't find a job that I like (I've been trying for over a year, so my fears are really founded!) I fear that no one will hire me and I'll go broke and my children will suffer; I fear that he will get visitation, I fear, I fear...and yet the kids and I are so much happier in our daily lives; we laugh together, and play, and Dillon is so much calmer, as am I. In only two weeks, Dillon has stopped being whiny and crying at the drop of a hat, he listens better, he's overly helpful around the house, and he's just a happier little boy all around. It's incredible. Children are wonderful at getting you to live in the moment, and that's been a great therapy for me, keeping me from brooding or wallowing. Both Dillon and little Ella keep me real. Today they spent twenty minutes walking around in my shoes, and I loved it. They got spanked for that before, and screamed at. Derek was always looking for that confrontation, he was always looking for a fight. Now we have pillow fights, and tickle fights, and fights over who gets to lick the yogurt lid. Before, when Dillon wasn't allowed to hug his sister goodnight or even say goodnight and wave to her without Derek getting angry, now we all go into Ella's room and read a story, and then Dillon hugs her and tells her to have a nice sleep. He's part of the family now, imagine that. It's just the three of us, without the bitter, venomous dark cloud that hung over us before. It's sad that it was that way, but it's wonderful that it's not that way anymore. So I still have fears. The sad Derek has gone away and the angry Derek has promised me a fight. I stress about not having a job and not finding one. I don't know what's going to happen about a great many things. But I do know one thing: when we're in our home now, we're in the moment and we're happy. My children are truly happy. For whatever it means, Dillon hasn't asked about his father once. That's speaks volumes. Until next time, dear friend...