Bittersweet victories...

Well it's true that since we've left and we're on our own, our home life is really quite wonderful. Tonight before Ella's bedtime, we all piled into her bed and tickled each other, we took turns making "razberries" on each other's tummies, and then we read a bedtime story. It was so wonderful, and it was something we could never, never do before. Dillon is so caring, and he's been proud to be able to help around the house, to show Ella how to brush her teeth, and how to fold her little shirts. Even after just one week, we've all relaxed and now when I pick him up from school and I say we're going home, instead of crying he says, "Yaaay, home!" Seriously! So that's all fantastic, and I give thanks every single day, sometimes hourly for it. It was a long time coming, but I went to battle and I won. Not only are we out of a home with Derek's oppressive and controlling iron hand, but we are somewhere safe, happy, and we can build a life. Today I had a first step victory in that a judge granted my request for an order of protection, meaning that Derek can't have any contact with me or the children and he can't come back to our home. It's temporary until the hearing, but it's in place, and so it's a victory for us, to be sure. One step at a time. I'm doing it. It took four hours to get it done today, spending the day at the court house, filling out paper work, writing a statment and then going through a lengthy interview process. I kept it together and I did it. FOR THE SECOND TIME. And I never want to do it again. Never. I kept it together, and I did it. But as I was leaving to begin the wait until the afternoon to hear whether or not the judge granted it, the weight of it all overtook me and I started to cry like a little girl, walking down the street, sniffling and swiping at my nose with my sleeve as though my ice cream had just fallen into the gutter. But it wasn't my ice cream, it was my life. My life was down there in that gutter, and I had just thrown it there, purposefully and irrevocably. At least that's how it felt. Oh I knew the whole time that it was what I had to do, but what was hurting me so much, what was causing my chest to heave with a painful heaviness was the realization that I had just hurt someone else unbearably. It was Derek, I know, but however horrible he was to us, I know he was and is so sick that he will still feel the full brunt of the pain of our leaving, however cruel he was, however spiteful, however badly his words stung, for whatever he did, I realized, all in a moment walking down that sidewalk to my car, that it never feels good to hurt someone else LIKE THAT. Even Derek. Today, I broke him. Today I won. And it was as awful and empty a victory as you could imagine, even though it was just. For the rest of the day, I vacillated from feeling strong, optimistic, brave and grateful one minute to feeling SO sad, despondent even, and so very mean and empty. I feel for anyone, even Derek, who will go through the pain that I know he will go through, and it doesn't feel good to know that I made it happen. On the other hand, I really didn't make it happen. He did. He made it happen with every spiteful, venemous word he spat at me, with every nasty, angry insult he slung, with every harsh hand he raised to me or my son, with every slam of a door, with every scream, with every nightmarish, controlling, ritual, with all of it, HE -- and not I -- MADE it happen. Today is my victory, although I'm not fully there yet. The order is temporary. But it's a small victory, nonetheless. Even so, I don't feel proud, I don't feel boastful, or joyous, I feel somber, like a part of me has died. The old part, that had to hear she was stupid, selfish, dumb, a liar, an idiot, and all the rest of it. And something else. The part of me that might have been, if Derek could only have found the good that was in him. I guess today I mourn for all that should have been. But that never could be. So that's it. I'm okay. It's just strange. I'm overwhelmingly grateful that we are protected. And I never lose sight of that; I never lost sight of those things that I must do in order to keep myself focused on a good life for us. But today was bittersweet. I guess that's all I wanted to say. Until next time, dear friend...