Settling in...

Well my babies and I have been "free" for over a month, and I guess we should be settled by now. And in many respects we are: we have a home, food, clothes, a school, and we've done the round of meeting up with old friends and loved ones and sharing the good, if not tumultuous, news. Even so, I'm still looking for work and also trying to get my husband served with papers, both for the order of protection and for the divorce, but he's deliberately avoiding this process. He doesn't show up to court, which doesn't surprise me, but I know him: he checks public records regularly, and I'm sure he knows full well what the court dates are and exactly what I've done with regards to filing for divorce. If I can't get him served, it makes divorcing much more difficult, so that's a bit of a bur in my side at the moment. He's stayed scarce, though. He hasn't rushed over and camped outside of the house, or left creepy letters in my mailbox or anything, but he did send me roses twice. The first time the card simply had a mysterious date on it, which after much thought I realized was the date of our first kiss. The second time, the card said, "I will always love you." I can see what's happening here, and anyone about to leave an abuser should be prepared -- he's trying the lovey-dovey route to get me to re-think my actions and start up a dialogue. I haven't responded at all, nor will I. But here's the rub -- I know how this works, because I know how HE works -- if I don't respond to this soft sell, then his sentimentality will turn to anger and he will distort his sadness into rage and convince himself that I'm the monster and he's the victim. He'll turn me into a bitch who deserves only badness, and that's when the months of venom stretch into years of bitterness, and he will vow to himself to get me one way or the other. I know, because he's gone through this with his ex-girlfriend, and has said to me over the years all of the things he thinks she deserves for taking his daughter away from him. I used to say, "But you wouldn't really want any harm to come to her, would you, because she's your daughter's mother." That never seemed to phase him. This weekend I watched several shows on MSNBC about murders committed by spouses or children who were abused -- some "only" verbally and mentally -- until one day they snapped and killed the abuser. Now they sit in prison, guilty of a sin that is so tragic, and that somehow gave the abuser the final point, since the victim has lost their lives as well. As I watched each one, I'm serious when I say that I really and truly believe that I've saved my children from a devistating path, where something like that could one day have happened, and even if it never did, the sadness and anger that these people felt because of the years of abuse they endured had overtaken their lives like a cancer until there was nothing left for them but anger, resentment and frustration. I feel certain that my son, at the very least, would have either gotten so down on himself that he could have one day been suicidal, or he would have become so filled with repressed anger that he would have one day retaliated against his father, and that's when violence really gets out of hand. I know these are all hyptheticals, but as I watched these shows, I could just see my life and my kids lives ten years down the road, and I was SO grateful that we're out of that man's grip, I just can't express it. I guess the message here is to anyone who has children in this situation and is hesitating to leave. Even without knowing your specific situation, I can say that no one can benefit or even really exist with a controlling, abusive person lording over them. It will take its toll on your children, and on you. There's no easy way to leave, but there's no easy way to stay, either. You only get one life, and that's not a life, is it. Even with my unknown income and job status, my children and I are so happy to spend time together at home, because for the first time, we can relax. At mealtimes, my son used to literally look over his shoulder several times while eating, and ask me, "Is daddy here?" And I did the same thing -- I used to constantly get up and look out the window toward the gate to see if he was coming because I was always so on edge. How crazy is that! Of course I don't miss it. When my husband tries this sad, pathetic tactic of missing me, etc., yes, somehow it makes me sad, too, but not because I miss him. Just because I don't like being attached to any action that makes someone else so devistated, even him. And I know that as necessary as it was, our leaving did devistate him. Let's face it, if he had known how horrible he really was, he surely wouldn't have done it?? But in the end it doesn't matter. You have to leave, it's the only way to breath. And we're breathing fresh air for the first time. Until next time, dear friend...