Holiday blues...

Unlike many people today, we are fortunate to be able to take holidays; something that under any other circumstances I would relish completely. Our quarterly month-long pilgrimages to elsewhere are times I have come to dread, mostly because we are stuck together 24/7 and even worse, sharing one car. My son is not usually in school then, either, and the days become painfully long trying to find things we can do that don't involve leaving him in his room staring at the television for hours, which is the only thing that my husband seems to tolerate.

The silence is the worst. The silence and the control. On these "holidays," Derek loves to sit in front of the television, while our two small children and I are required to be utterly silent at all times. No music, no tickling, no laughter, not even talking unless we are whispering. He would deny this, no doubt, but that's because he seems literally unaware that if my son or I speak to one another, he screams from the other room to shut up, and threatens Dillon with a spanking. So of course we have learned to whisper.

House arrest: On the last holiday, this unspoken rule began encroaching its way into our daily routine, subtly at first, where Derek required Dillon to remain in his room at all times. If he came out, he was instantly greeted with a loud, booming voice yelling, "Dillon! What is it! What do you want!" This insanity was something that I had to tolerate, otherwise Dillon would get the brunt of it. So I spent hours with him in his room, playing, reading and watching movies. But even then, if he pushed a truck, or if I tickled him or we did anything that made the slightest noise, Derek burst through the door, screaming at us both. This "rule" of coming home and Dillon going straight to his room has become second nature to him, as he knows that daddy isn't in there. I call him out for dinner, which the kids and I have together while Derek sits on the couch and shouts at us from the living room as he watches tv.

Under this same ordinance, I'm absolutely forbidden to leave the house without him or without his express approval of my purpose and the time-frame. Again, these kinds of rules are subtle, in the sense that the abuser doesn't make you go through some dialogue, like, "Can I go to the store now?" and he says, "Yes," or "No." It's just one of those things that you become trained to do through trial and error. On the last holiday we took, we had nothing in the house when we arrived. The next morning, being up first as usual, I dressed  and fed the kids, and then said very casually to Derek, "Hey I'm going to run out real quick for a diet coke, do you want me to get you some coffee at Starbuck's or something?" This innocent announcement sent him into a rage at how selfish, thoughtless and self-centered I was to suggest such a thing, not to mention lazy, wasteful, and a horrible wife and mother. SERIOUSLY. He accused me of selfishly making my own plans, doing my own thing with no consideration for anyone else, and even though he was still in his robe, that I was just going to leave him there without a car like "some idiot."

"What do you think, Stacey --" he said, furious, "That you can just do what you want?!" Ha. Imagine that. As a matter of course at home, when sunset comes, he turns on the alarm and again, there will be absolutely no going outside, not for anything. If I left something in the car, too bad. If I want to show my son the full moon or the rain, no way. If we move the curtains to look out of the windows, he has fits. It's actually insane when I read it here, which is one of the very productive elements of sharing these things.

Well so April brings yet another holiday, one that I am planning will be our very last together. Fortunately, we are putting Dillon in school this time, so he will be spared the long hours at home. That gives me some relief. I hope to post as much as I can, but I can't be sure when I will have the opportunity to get online. We'll see.

Otherwise, I'll be back at the end of the month, with lots of news. In the meantime, think positive thoughts for all of us and feel free to share with me, particularly if you are going through your own challenges at home. There is strength in numbers. Never forget.

Until next time, dear friend...