On the flipside...

This morning as I put on my makeup, there was a woman on Fox News spouting off about the mosque at ground zero. She looked scholarly and professional and exuded confidence as she sat there, waxing lyrical about this and that, and everyone was mesmerized by her jewel-like tones. And that was fine. Then suddenly they flashed a shot of her latest book -- some fat, six hundred-page soliloquy on the state of modern America. And that did it. I just snapped. In the 3.5 seconds I saw that book flash across the screen, a heat swelled up inside of me like a snarling bull. That Bitch didn't look a day over 28 -- if that -- and there she was on tv, sharing her opinions as if they somehow mattered more than mine, AND she had somehow managed to have a book published, too? All probably before her 30th birthday?! And it was one of many, I would soon learn. Great. Good for her, miss young and successful -- hooray! It was too much. It was just too, damn much. Why? How? WHY??!! I was incredulous. For what seemed like forever I just stood there, motionless in front of the bathroom mirror, my mascara wand drying up in my hand. For a long time I didn't know what this empty feeling was that this complete stranger had obviously touched. What was this really about? And then it finally hit me. Failure. This is what it felt like. And it SUCKED. Why was she up there on the tv screen, the literal picture of success, and I was down here, still in my bathroom at 8:30 on a Wednesday morning still trying to get the cowlick out of my bangs? What other amazing things would she do today as I barely managed to get my kids to school and apply for more menial jobs online that someone obviously posted and yet that no one seemed to ever fill? I was supposed to be her. And I think I was for awhile, a long time ago. What the hell happened? With a sigh I finished my eyelashes while making a mental note that I needed to buy more lotion and toothpaste, and briefly contemplated whether I wanted the Crest Whitening again or the Colgate that had those fancy "whitening strips" in it. Ahhhh. Time to begin another day. and even in my funk, I knew that I was the only one who could make it count for anything. But would I... I should. I could. I even knew that. So what was my problem? I wanted to slap myself in the face and say, "Whatever it is, get over it! Stop being such a baby! You've done fine in life, but right now you've got to fight to get to the next thing, just do it, already!" But I didn't. Where was the fire that got me over that huge mountain just a few short months ago? We are all creatures of light. But light moves. I can feel mine, burning hot or fading, depending upon my strength at any given moment. Sometimes it takes a great deal of energy to keep its intensity, but when you can, great victories are won. Today I seem to be a little on the wimpy side. And so I said to myself, "I know that light is all around you. And that no one else can step into it for you. Step into the light where you belong. What are you waiting for?" Christ is often depicted as being surrounded by light; bathed in it. so radiant was his energy that it literally overflowed out of him; his God essence seeping from every pore and bursting through in shards of blazing light. Many ethereal creatures are shown with this light. And I believe in each of us, there is such a thing. Light is inside of you; you are light. Perhaps this morning I lost my light, a little bit. Tomorrow will be better. In the meantime, keep pushing forward until next time, dear friend...