A tightening...

After this morning's all-too-regular terrors, I experienced a hard, tense, tightness in my chest, like my heart was compacted. My pulse was pounding strongly in my veins. This is becoming a more regular thing, especially when he attacks my son. I know that if I don't get us out of this toxic atmosphere soon, I will suffer longer-term health damage. Hypertension, high blood pressure, strokes -- even cancer -- is sometimes the by-product of suppressed, unexpressed stress, anger and anxiety. Our son was born with a congenital heart condition, that thankfully is totally asymptomatic; he's not limited in any way, and doctors expect that he will never need any kind of intervention. But of course if he lives in this stressful environment, where he's constantly feeling attacked, I have little doubt that it would have an impact on the development of his heart.

This morning was not different from almost every morning. Derek unleashed his anger on us all and didn't stop yelling and threatening until someone was crying. He's usually not satisfied until tears are shed. I'm SO over this kind of horror. I want peace. I want to live in a loving environment, where I can enjoy my children while they are still young and able to recover from this.

Today I was the last one dressed and Derek took the kids and got into the car to wait for me. He started it and backed out of the garage, and when I finally came down, I found Dillon with tears streaming down his face and his little chest heaving in and out with sobs. "What happened now?" I asked, "He was afraid that we were going without you." Derek said. "I was cryin' for you, mommy," Dillon said. "Sissy." Derek hissed. Ughghgh....this is SO OLD.

The fight started this morning because he called Dillon a lazy bum. Again. I jumped right on it, as he smiled, apparently satisfied that he'd pushed the right button to get a response. "He is NOT a lazy bum!" I shouted, "And you stop that!" Immediately I turned to Dillon, who had already yelled at his daddy, "I'm NOT a lazy bum!" And I said, "Dillon, you ARE NOT a lazy bum, and don't you believe ANYBODY who tells you that, okay," Derek came right back for that, "I'm his father and I can say whatever I want, Stacey!"

I wanted to respond, to lash out, but it only degrades the entire situation, right in front of the kids, and I just keep reminding myself that it's not forever. This controlling, angry person in our lives is not forever. This negativity is not forever. This totally unnecessary pain is not forever. This tightening in my chest is not forever. It is NOT. I WILL NOT WEAKEN. I WILL NOT WEAKEN. I WILL NOT.

Thanks for listening. It keeps me motivated, and some days it's just plain hard.

Until next time, dear friend...