Happy Mother's Day

I think I'm too mentally exhausted to write about the litany of attacks that I've sustained this weekend...suffice it to say that if I were to believe everything that my husband told me (which, thank God, I don't), I would now feel very certain that I am a, "moron," "idiot," "selfish bitch," "manipulative bitch," and all around "horrible person." Oh and also a "total pig." Right. Can't forget total pig. On Saturday when I came downstairs to get into the car he said I looked like "a cheap whore" and how could I leave the house that way. Ugh. Look it doesn't take much for a woman to feel a bit self conscious about her looks, and although I was wearing the only jeans that fit at the moment, paired with a t-shirt that he picked out, I instantly hated it. Incredibly upstairs I marched to put on exactly what he instructed. I didn't feel any better but it didn't matter anymore. We're still on vacation and I try to avoid conflict in front of the kids. Even little Ella, who is only 20 months old, remarks to me whenever she hears her daddy screaming at her brother Dillon, "Mommy, brobber cwyin?" And that's the worst part of it all. The way he treats Dillon. Today at brunch twelve of us sat for over three hours waiting for each course to be served, and my kids were stellar. They didn't complain once. But it's never good enough for Derek. At the slightest movement from Dillon, Derek pushes, shoves, pinches him, pulls his hair, his ears, his nose, whatever he can grab onto. He's an absolute monster. And that's just how he is in public. My father said he looked over a few times and wanted to just deck him. What an angry guy, he said. And it's always when we leave that he unleashes his full fury on us. It starts in the car with the screaming, at me and Dillon and sometimes even little Ella. If I don't respond, he keeps going, slinging the insults about my incompetence as a human being, hoping to get a rise out of me. If I respond, he really takes it up a notch, threatening me with everything from leaving me and the kids on the street "where you and those brats belong," to more ominous things like, "You will not survive this marraige, Stacey, I'm telling you!" I want to urge anyone reading this who is in an abusive relationship, even one that is strictly verbally abusive at this point, to get out. Get realistic and listen to your gut that tells you that this person is not right, get a plan and then get out. Especially if you have children. Dillon is dealing with this in whatever way he can, but he's getting too old to fool anymore or to keep him feeling safe. He sees the injustice of this man acting so horribly and yet getting away with it. Also, I have found over the four yeas of our marriage, that the longer they can get away with this kind of behavior, the worse the behavior gets. Derek's treatment of us gets worse every day. There's really no break anymore between his outbursts. Between rages is just a low, steady stream of rude comments and nasty responses to anything I say. It will never change with these types. Never. Please follow my advice. I'm looking forward to the day that I can write to you with happier news; the day the sun breaks through. And it will... Until next time, dear friend...