Fears of leaving:
1. He will catch me and...what? He will catch me and something bad will happen;
2. He will be right, and I will fall flat on my face "out there" in the world without his support.
3. I won't be able to support myself and my kids;
4. I won't be happy (Not happy now, soooooo....???);
5. My children will hate me later for taking their daddy away;
6. My daughter won't have her father to walk her down the isle one day (I know, I know);
7. People will see me as a failure and I won't be able to pull this off;
8. I'll never find a job again, or worse I'll never find a job I like again and I'll have to do something I hate;
9. He's right, I really am useless, lazy, unorganized, stupid and clutzy, and it will all come out even more;
10. I won't be finacially secure.
Fears of staying:
1. I will never be "ME" again;
2. The sparkle will one day leave my eyes forever and I won't care anymore;
3. I will give up on my own dreams;
4. My children will hate thier lives and worse they will hate themselves;
5. My children will become just like their father and be horrible, nasty people;
6. My children will learn that this is just how you treat women; including of course their mother;
7. I will have lost the chance to give my children a loving, fun and magical childhood;
8. My relationship with my children as adults will be strained;
9. We will all live lives of isolation, as we are training them to do now;
10. I will always wonder what could have been had I just been brave and done what is right.
The fears of staying outweigh the fears of leaving, and I defy anyone else who is in this situation to find a different outcome. The fears of staying will always outweigh the fears of leaving. But they're still fears, aren't they. I know I have to go. And I know I have to set a definate time to do it.
And talking to all of you helps keep me accountable. Thank you for the support. I hope it is somehow reciprocal and we will share our success stories here as well.
Nite nite, dear friends, until next time...
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2 comments:
I was scared thinking of all similar things. I know how scared you are... Your children will be better off without him, he is setting a horrible example to your children. If he carries on like that i don't think your daughter would want him to walk her down the isle... At some point through teenage years i think your kids will say that you took their dad away but not really mean it... If he finds you there's nothing he can do but take you to court so find out all the legal things first, if your parents could take you in until you get back on your feet that's great... Don't think that because he has a job and he's able to support himself and your children he has more rights, court will always look what's best for the children and in your circumstances there's no doubt that you'll get them not him. You can try to find a job now and try to put some money aside, if he forbids you to have one just go to few interviews and c how you'll do, get a confidence boost. Do not stay with him, it wont be easy but one day you'll look back and think I did it, I left him and I'm finally happy. You deserve to be happy and your children too. A life of fear is not a life.
G
I remember writing a similar list and you are right there is only really one outcome. The hardest part is recognising that his behaviour is not normal, and not ok and you have already done that so well done.
I was shaking when it came to leaving my husband and started getting doubts. I glossed over the bad stuff and justified his behaviour. Then he raped me in front of our children. After he left for work I went straight to the letting agents and put my name on their lists. As soon as I found a suitable place to live I put my deposit down and signed the forms, no waiting, no thinking. I set a date to leave and I did.
It hasn't been easy, I've grieved and felt alone, but I was grieving the relationship that could have been, not the reality. And I'd rather be alone than under constant attack. The first few weeks I was scared he would come knocking on my door, that he would force his way into my life.
Recently I have seen some friends I haven't seen for months, and all of them have commented on how happy and relaxed I seem now. That says it all.
Good luch and stay strong. You are not any of the things he tells you you are and you deserve so much better. And so do your children.
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