Hello, dear friend...

Thanks for coming. I really needed someone to talk to, to vent to; someone who will just listen. I can’t talk to anyone I know, as we live in a very small community and if word got around, he would “destroy me” like he has threatened to so many times. I can’t talk to my family, at least not in detail, because visiting them at holidays is the only relief I have from this ever-tightening noose, and if I were to tell them just how bad it is, it would make our visits awkward. I mean, how could you sit across the dinner table from someone who treats your daughter and your grandchildren like that? They know he’s controlling, yes. And they know he’s disrespectful, emotional and stressful to be around. They’ve seen glimpses. But they don’t really know how bad he is when no one is around, do they. That’s how they operate; these abusive types. And knowing me, who would have ever guessed that I would be in this hell?

You see this was never supposed to happen to me. I am strong, outgoing, outspoken, and not easily intimidated. I speak my mind. I’m independent and goal-oriented, educated, and not to brag, but prior to my marriage I had a very lucrative and successful international career. I was dreaming, achieving, and living life on a big scale. And somehow I still do, because I’m a fighter. Five short years ago I never would have imagined the countless times I would be called a “stupid bitch,” a “dumb whore,” an “idiot,” “moron,” “horrible person,” and so much more labels on a daily basis. I think “useless” gets to me the most. I know it’s not true. But there is such a thing as “death by a thousand cuts.” The anger, in all its forms, has a way, over time, of crushing your soul until one day you look in the mirror and you’re just dead inside. I see it in people every day; someone just standing in a line or eating with their spouse, but their eyes are empty; just going through the motions. I see it every day, but I never recognized it until now.

So okay, this wasn’t supposed to happen to me. Well hey, this isn’t supposed to happen to anyone! But it does, and it has. So now what. One thing is for certain: I WILL NOT LET THIS BEAT ME. I will survive, and thrive. And I will protect my beautiful babies from a life like this. The control, the insults, the disrespect, the hurt, and confusion, the complete and utter breaking of spirit. No. That will not be their future.

But until I can leave, until I can deliver us into a better, a safer and happier life, I have you to talk to, and I really need that. I like to pretend that we’re sitting in a nice café’ somewhere; your favorite. And I’m so glad to know that you’re there, listening. I’ll keep you posted and let you know all that’s been going on and all that is to come. Thanks for being there. So until next time, see you later, dear friend.