Wine and Cheerios

There was no school today, and for a time, our day was bliss. I took the kids to my favorite cafe, we sat outside and the breeze was just heaven. Dillon ran laps around the fountain, chasing a beach ball and little Ella chased after her big brother.

You know you've changed forever when you think that wine and Cheerios is a perfectly lovely afternoon snack. But once you're a mommy, you understand how that can happen. My husband, Derek, is home, having an afternoon nap, and I know I have two hours of freedom before the accounting of my whereabouts will begin. Two hours of peace, just to live in the moment. Ella toddles up and hands me a tiny fist of scrunched up flowers, so proud of her discovery. Then she leaves, exploring. She's happy. We're happy. We're happy just being.

Moments like this have become so precious that it's like I have a heightened sense of awareness. I'm aware of the music quietly playing, of the cool breeze on my skin, the tartness of the wine on my tongue, the sweet smell of Ella's hair when she hugs me, and of Dillon's giggles as he runs by. All of these things, are life, and they're wonderful. And I never forget that.

After a stop by the playground swings and the store, we arrive home at 6 and the "wonderful" is over. The house is dark and absolutely silent, and Derek is standing on the balcony overlooking the front door, just waiting. As I always do, I've prepped Dillon before we come in: "Okay, sweetie, when we go inside please go straight to your room and take your clothes off for a bath, then I'll come in and get you," etc. As I usher the kids to their rooms, it starts: "Where the hell have you been! Where the hell have you taken my kids for three hours! Answer me, Stacey!  You stupid, selfish bitch! What do you think? You can just do whatever you want? Don't ever keep my kids out this late again, do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME?!!!"

And of course, there is no response that will satisfy him; someone who wants to set you up and pick a fight. And then came the threats: "I've just had it! Damnit! Don't ask me for any money, ever again! I'll cut you off, you idiot! What a dumb bitch, my God!"

Needless to say, there has been silence the rest of the night. When he punishes me with silence, it's a strange kind of blessing. And at least I had my wine and Cheerios. And my moment with my babies.

So cyber hugs to you, dear friend, until tomorrow..nite nite